It probably won’t surprise anyone who has gone through in vitro fertilization (IVF) that a recent survey determined the true toll of fertility care extends far beyond finances. Indeed, while undergoing IVF involves a shocking price tag many are unprepared for, the physical and emotional burden cannot be underestimated.
Just take it from me; I did IVF twice. Or, listen to the 1,000 women who have struggled with fertility, and participated in Maven Clinic’s cost of fertility care study. IVF’s effects ripple through all aspects of life, including your wallet, your willingness to see friends, and ability to take on new responsibilities at work.
It can also significantly impact your relationship, if you are undergoing fertility care with a partner. Any IVF journey can radically change a relationship. Yet through the struggles, you can come out stronger by employing several strategies.
First, let’s dive into the study from Maven Clinic, which touts itself as the world’s largest virtual clinic for women’s and family health. Among the findings of the report, some of the most eye-popping are that:
– 85% of women felt supported by their partners, but 65% felt the burden of fertility lay almost entirely with them, not their partner
– 46% were unprepared for unexpected costs associated with trying to conceive
– 59% of women or their partners took on extra work to pay for fertility care
– More than half felt fertility challenges negatively impacted their relationship, while 11% reported that fertility struggles ended it
Almost all respondents also said they experienced mental health challenges during treatment. Their emotional stress had implications, such as limiting social interactions and stifling career growth.
Given these all-encompassing effects, it’s easy to understand how fertility treatments like IVF can put pressure on relationships, and even end them in some cases.
Finances can be a main source of stress for couples embarking on a fertility journey.
“Partners may have different comfort levels with financial risk, with one willing to spend what it takes while the other worries about financial security,” says Qu’Nesha Sawyer, PhD, a licensed psychotherapist and Maven’s Staff Mental Health Practitioner.
The difference in fertility windows can play a role in how much risk one is willing to incur, according to Marcy Maguire, MD, a reproductive endocrinologist at Reproductive Medicine Associates New Jersey.
“Because women tend to have a tighter window of opportunity for fertility than men, in some instances, women may be more willing to incur financial hardship related to fertility treatment than their male partners, who may be less susceptible to the pressures of passing time,” Dr. Maguire says. “This can lead to disagreement on the appropriate time to start fertility treatments.”
Unbalanced contributions can also create a divide in the relationship, according to Dr. Sawyer.
Ultimately, Claire Tomkins, CEO of Future Family, which seeks to remove barriers to fertility treatment, confirms the financial aspect of fertility, “is often the most stressful part of the process and puts major strain on relationships.”
As if the financial burden of fertility treatment isn’t enough to spark tension in a relationship, the intense emotions involved in attempting to grow your family can create a divide between couples. Of course, one partner will endure more than the other when it comes to injections and procedures. But there is more that can impact couples, including the many decisions that need to be made throughout the journey—especially if you aren’t on the same page.
From ethical concerns over the creation of embryos that may not be used, to the usage of hormonal treatments, Dr. Maguire says it’s common for couples to disagree about fundamental aspects of an IVF journey.
There is also the potential for hurt feelings and resentment to build if an individual is ready to stop pursuing fertility treatment, and their partner is not.
“One may feel emotionally or physically spent after multiple cycles, while the other still clings to hope,” says Jenna Turocy, MD, a reproductive endocrinologist at Columbia University Fertility Center. “This divergence can lead to painful misunderstandings—accusations of ‘giving up,’ or feelings of being alone in the journey.”
Meanwhile, the process of considering next steps can also muddy the waters. “Partners often have different levels of openness to alternatives like adoption, donor gametes, or child-free living, which can become more apparent as IVF cycles are unsuccessful,” says Dr. Sawyer.
Ways in which individuals handle the many challenges of infertility are often another major point of contention. “When partners process the IVF journey differently, particularly when one internalizes their thoughts or doubts, it can create significant relationship strain,” says Dr. Sawyer.
While fertility treatments can be tough on couples, experts share ways they can get through the difficult process together.
One of the best ways to avoid potential disagreements during fertility treatments is to discuss where you stand on important issues ahead of time. Partners should talk through them and find ways to compromise.
It’s also imperative to communicate with one another openly throughout the process. Make sure to acknowledge emotions rather than burying them. And as Dr. Turocy points out, remember there is no “right” way to cope with fertility issues.
It’s also critical to be supportive to the partner going through the procedures. According to Dr. Sawyer, there are many ways to show support for that partner during the process. That includes:
– Attend as many appointments together as possible
– Pick up additional household responsibilities if needed
– Do research and handle logistics, such as billing, when necessary
– Acknowledge any and all emotions your partner is experiencing
– Check in regularly and ask what they need
– Try to protect your partner from unhelpful comments or intrusive questions from well-meaning family and friends
– Respect agreed-upon privacy boundaries about how much to share with others
“Even if you cannot take away the injections, the blood draws, the procedures, the constant poking and prodding, the terror that all of these efforts might be for naught, your partner needs you,” emphasizes Dr. Maguire. “Infertility can be a very isolating experience.”
She says the best thing you can do for your partner is make sure they don’t feel like they are walking the journey alone.
Dr. Sawyer also urges both partners to take care of their own mental well-being during the IVF process to maintain the overall health of the relationship.
If you are struggling, you definitely are not alone, and there is absolutely no shame in seeking out professional help to manage the extreme emotions associated avec attempting to build your family through challenges.
“An infertility diagnosis can be as emotionally devastating as a cancer diagnosis,” says Neel Shah, MD, FACOG, Maven’s Chief Medical Officer, adding, “Mental health support in fertility care is often an afterthought.”
There is no denying that, as Dr. Sawyer imparts, fertility treatments can fundamentally test and transform relationships. But this reality is not always a bad thing. These experts have also witnessed couples grow stronger through the process.
